who? what? where?

Many times we associate missionaries with specific people groups. They talk of being burdened for specific countries or cultures from a young age, or remember a short term missions trip that sparked a fire in them to serve there. For a long time I’ve tried to figure out who my people group was. In high school I spent a week in Costa Rica and walked away wondering if God was calling me to South America. Then in college I began the application process to teach overseas and couldn’t narrow it down to any specific place. You all know the story that eventually brought me here to BFA but what you don’t know is that I didn’t ever really want to go to Germany. In fact, the idea terrified me. Five years later Germany feels like my home, but I still don't necessarily feel a strong connection to the German people.

Within the last several months I’ve had to do some serious soul-searching as I prepare to leave BFA for the year. I just assumed that I would return to America and get a "real job," though I knew without a doubt that I wanted to come back. Then again, I also wondered if I was selling myself short by not even bothering to consider any other options. I knew the one thing I did not want to do was return to America and forget about the last five years. The struggles, the lessons learned, the richness of my friendships and relationships with students… to quote the musical Wicked, “I have been changed for good.”

When someone first suggested to me the idea of staying in Europe and continuing to teach internationally, I brushed it off. It took me awhile to even entertain the thought, until God reminded me of that little box in the attic of my mind. So I prayed about it, applied, and visited ECA. Since then I have felt complete and total peace about what is to come. Much of this is due to the fact that I've finally figured out WHO my people group is. It's not Americans, it's not Germans, and it's not Spaniards. It's the people who cross the lines and break the rules and don't fit into a box.

It's the third culture kids.

If you've heard me speak about BFA at any point in the last five years, you've heard about TCKs.

In questioning where I should go next, it became clear to me that I am very blessed to have already figured out WHAT God wants me to do with my life: teach middle school. And now I know WHO I'm supposed to be teaching: the TCKs. All that really leaves to figure out is the WHERE. Considering the fact that there are international schools full of TCKs circling the globe, the world truly is my oyster. I've come to the freeing yet terrifying conclusion that God doesn't really care WHERE in the world I go, so long as I keep serving my WHO and doing my WHAT.

I know that is a very bold statement to make and perhaps you disagree with me. Yes, God does care. All I'm trying to say is that I don't think God wants me to spend all my time and energy focusing on where I should go when He has already shown me what to do and who to serve. No, I don't necessarily feel a special burden for the people of Spain, not anymore than I did for the people of Germany. But because He has opened a door for me that aligns with my WHO and WHAT, I am walking through it and will continue to walk through it until He chooses to close that door.

 

Would you consider joining me in walking through this new door?

 

when your body betrays you

Last week I had my first experience with a German doctor, and it was humiliating.

The reason for my visit was because I am a few years overdue for a physical and my residence visa for Spain requires, among other things, a medical certificate stating that I am in good health and free of contagious diseases. For the last two years I have been working overtime to get in shape and make healthy living a habit. I've taken up running, built endurance and muscle, and lost thirty pounds. I figured I was in pretty decent shape. While it has been awhile since my last doctor's visit, I assumed it would be a quick and painless visit and I would be able to walk away with the necessary paperwork.

My dad always warned me not to assume. I really should start listening to him.

As it turned out, my blood pressure readings were very high. I went home and looked them up and it was "Stage 2 Hypertension" high. Because of this, Doctor G scheduled another appointment for me to return for a Stress EKG test and for a 24-hour study, which will involve me being wired up to a portable monitor for 24 hours to take readings throughout the day. This is all to determine whether I actually have high blood pressure or whether it was just a bad reading. The only problem with all this is that the earliest appointment he could give me is March 10. Sure, let's give our brand new patient terrifying news and make her wait a month for any sort of answers.

In the hours following my appointment I began to process the ramifications of this potential diagnosis. My immediate reaction was anger, followed by shame.

I am angry at the idea that I might have high blood pressure despite the fact that I have been making a concerted effort to lead a healthy lifestyle over the last two years. I am angry at God for giving me one more "thing" to worry about right now. I am angry at myself for not choosing a healthy lifestyle sooner. I am angry at my body for betraying me. I am angry that hypertension can't be cured, only managed. I am angry that now, when I am feeling fitter and healthier than I've ever felt in my entire life, I have to face the possibility of taking medication for the rest of my life. I am ashamed that after all the hard work and progress I've made, it still may not be enough.

So, I need to ask for prayers in a few specific ways.

1. Pray that I would have peace over the next three weeks as I wait for my follow-up tests and the answers they will hopefully bring. I hate the idea of not knowing whether something is actually wrong with me, and of course I know that stressing about it will only contribute to the problem. I just can't see how I could possibly think about anything BUT this for the next three weeks.

2. Pray that this would not affect my visa application for Spain. It can take up to four months for applications to be processed, which is why I was trying to get my application in early. But it's looking like the doctor won't write my letter of good health until I go through his tests on March 10, which means any hopes I had of getting ahead are dashed.

3. Pray that I can find ways to lower my blood pressure naturally if this is truly an issue. Pray especially that I can find ways to reduce stress in my daily life, as I have definitely seen a need for that in recent weeks.

4. Pray that I would be able to truly trust God and rest in Him through this whole thing. Clearly He is trying to teach me a thing or two, but I don't know what that is yet. I know He is in control and that while this is a surprise to me, He knows what's up and how it's going to unfold.