green pastures

Tomorrow we embark on the annual eighth grade trip to Lugano, Switzerland, and I still need to pack. This is the typical story for me, your chronic procrastinator. While I have grown much in this area over the years, I am still the girl who often ends up paying what my dad calls the "stupid tax" as a result of my actions. Regardless, this will be the fifth year that I have had the privilege of chaperoning the trip, and while I do have a good idea of what to expect, I also know that every year, every class, every trip ends up being just a bit different than the previous.

When you have experienced an annual event multiple times it's easy to have certain expectations. My personal motto for this year's trip is "no expectations." This is because many times my disappointment is a result of reality not meeting my expectations. With this being my last time in Lugano for awhile, I want to remember it not as a disappointment because something didn't go the way I thought it should. Rather, I want to remember it as a special and meaningful time with my eighth graders, the third class that I have seen through all three years of middle school - with my upcoming transition to Madrid, it will be a few years before I can say that about another class!

I also want to be fully present and fully engaged during this trip. This is going to be difficult as my finances are still weighing heavy on my mind. It will be easy to "unplug" since I won't have a wifi connection at any point during the trip. That's right, no hashtagging for a few days! And while I am going to be "working" every minute of the day, this work is different than the daily teaching routine. I will have no choice but to leave everything behind when I board the bus and step out of reality for four days as I embrace a temporary reality: to show 28 eighth graders a good time and make sure they all get home in one piece.

I mentioned in my last blog post that I have been meditating on Psalm 23, and every time I think of this trip I think of the phrase "He makes me lie down in green pastures - he restores my soul." It's hard to fathom a week with teenagers being restful or refreshing, but I think that with the right attitude it can be. When we return from this trip it will be "go time" for me - the end of the school year will be in full swing and I will be just over three weeks from my departure date. I will need strength, focus, and good health to get through it all. My hope is that this week in Lugano, despite the schedules and activities and general stress that comes with taking someone else's kids to another country (!!), I would find the rest and restoration I need to persevere through those final weeks.

Join me in praying for this week's trip in the following ways:
- For safety on the roads, during our hikes, and while swimming in the lake
- For cheerful and helpful attitudes from the students
- For sunny weather, if only on Tuesday when we go on our three-hour hike!
- For walls to be torn down between students and true friendships to be cemente
- For students' hearts to be receptive to what the Lord might want to teach them this week

i shall not want

For the last two months I have been pinching pennies to get by on a significantly reduced support salary. I have just received word that for the third month in a row my support has been reduced by another 25%.

I have been keeping very close tabs on my support account over the last two months, watching and waiting for my miracle. I've seen God bring my support up from the depths of negative four-figure numbers, yet my account is still in the red by about $50. On paper, things still look hopeless because there is no money in the account for this month. After everything God has done to provide for me, by this standard it is still not enough.

"In real life," though, God has proven to be more than enough. He has provided graciously and miraculously in ways I would never have thought to ask. People who do not even know me have sent me generous gifts and friends of mine in the same boat--whose finances are just as tight--have cheerfully handed me offerings of love. New people have joined the monthly support team and regular supporters have gone above and beyond their monthly giving. I was able to find an incredibly affordable flight home for the summer and I have had renewed success in selling my handmade jewelry both on Etsy and here in the BFA community. When it's all said and done I have been able to pay my bills and eat three meals a day (and then some) and haven't yet had to promise my firstborn to Rumpelstiltskin. This month I have seen the hand of God at work more clearly and intentionally than ever before.

So I find myself in this confusing place of praising Him for the provision that has allowed me to thrive this month yet still frustrated over the lack of visible "results" in my support account. I would be lying if I said this was not causing me significant levels of stress. I can't NOT worry about how I'm going to pay the bills. But at the same time, I know it's going to work out. If I have learned anything over the last five years it is that God was, is, and will always be faithful. As the Hillsong ballad Oceans says, "You've never failed and You won't start now."

I've been meditating on the 23rd Psalm since wrapping up my Beth Moore study on the life of David. While I memorized this Psalm fifteen or twenty years ago, there are some parts of it that never really had significance until recently. The part that keeps coming back to me over and over again is at the very beginning, "I shall not want." As a child I thought this meant I would never want things, but we all know that's not true. There will always be things I want, but if I trust the Lord to be my Shepherd then I will not want for anything. My needs have been and will always be met.




So here's the bottom line. I am currently projected to receive $450 for June expenses, which equals about €325 with the current exchange rate. That just about covers my rent and nothing else - utilities, groceries, and other expenses this month such as my visa application fee for Madrid are currently out of the question. I am up to my eyeballs in final preparations for the eighth grade class trip that I am leading in four days, and June bills are due the day after I return. At the risk of sounding desperate, I have truly reached the end of my rope. I am out of ideas, time, and energy and I don't know what else I can do to remedy this situation.

Please join me in praying not only for financial provision, but for wisdom in knowing how to spend my time and energy in these next four days. Pray for my health and my attitude since I'm not getting the sleep I need to be fully effective. Pray also that when the bus rolls out of the parking lot on Monday morning I can be 100% present and focused on my students and our time together.

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Transition made bearable with Doctor Who GIFs

This weekend I finally purchased my plane ticket to America. After much hemming and hawing I knew I couldn't put it off any longer, and so while Skyping with my parents at 2:00 am on Friday night I scoured the interwebs for the best deal and was victorious. I haven't been home in two years which means I am pretty excited to see everyone again, but I am not excited about leaving this place I've called home for the last five years. It is a relief to have one more thing checked off on my end-of-the-year to-do list, but the fact that it is done suddenly makes leaving very real and very, very sad.

Exactly five weeks from today I will be on a plane zooming towards Cleveland.

FIVE. WEEKS.

I am torn between two emotions:

When people ask me if I'm ready to go, I don't know what to say.

So maybe you can imagine why it was so difficult for me to commit to a plane ticket.

Perhaps subconsciously I had ripped out the last "page" of my story by putting off buying my plane ticket, and by not having a set departure date then it wouldn't seem like I was actually leaving. Those close to me know that I, like the Doctor, hate endings. I don't really need to leave, do I?

But there's hope. I know that my story is being penned by the Author of Life and that while this may be the last page of a chapter, the story doesn't end here. I trust that, while I will only be in Madrid for one year, I will come to love the students and staff at ECA just as dearly as the ones I cherish here at BFA.

So here I am, five weeks from departure and still so very much to do. There is no more avoiding the last page, no more living in denial, and no more pretending that this is not actually happening. It's time to jump in with both feet and get to work. In the words of my favorite Doctor, "Let's go!"

not safe

Moving to Spain is stressing me out.

There. I said it.

I'm supposed to be excited about another adventure but right now all I can think about is how much work is going to need to happen in order for me to get to Madrid by August.

At first, I thought that going to Spain was taking the easy route. I'd just keep doing what I've been doing, teaching MKs in middle school and living in a country that's not my own. I would be able to keep working on support and not have to make things complicated tax-wise with American income. I would be close enough to Germany to return for my small group girls' graduation. It seemed like such a simple transition.

The reality of this situation is that I am making my life more complicated and this is, in fact, the harder path to take. First, I am adding another "home" to my heart. As someone who spent most of her life in the same town, I had a hard time identifying with the nomads who sat in my classroom conflicted about where they called home. After living in Germany for five year things have changed. Germany has become home for me, but I still have my HOME home in America. So when I go to the States and people say "Welcome home!" I become so turned around that I don't know whether to hug them or punch them in the face. Clearly that's not enough confusion for me as I will soon add Spain to my list of "homes" and be even more divided in my loyalties.

Another reason why this move is proving more difficult is because it will require me to continue living off the financial support of my friends and family. While at first this seemed ideal for long term ministry, it also makes things harder because let's face it, support raising is hard work and it's never over. Even when you get all the pledges and gifts you need to be fully funded, you have to maintain personal relationships with every single person who supports you. While I'd like to say otherwise, I have failed miserably at that aspect of the job. The discouraging lack of funding that I'm currently facing doesn't help matters, it just makes the idea of moving to America and getting a "real job" that much more tempting.

Finally, there's the paperwork. Don't even get me started on the paperwork. I have been working on my visa application since February and still don't have all the necessary documents in order for this application. It took over a month to get a letter of good health from my German doctor, and tonight I discovered that it will cost over $100 to translate two documents amounting to approximately four sentences into Spanish for this application. Then there's the trip I will have to make - probably by train - to the nearest Spanish consulate to apply in person and pay the hefty application fee and then face the very real possibility of my application being rejected because one staple is out of place.

I don't tell you all these things so that you can have pity on me, and please hear me: I am NOT complaining. I just need to put this into words: following Jesus is HARD WORK. No one ever said that the roads He calls us to walk will be easy, in fact He told us quite the opposite. We are to expect difficulty without being surprised, and we are called to face it with bravery rather than run away. If I believed that every bump on the road was some sort of warning sign from God then I would have left Germany within a week of arriving and never come back. I am making a conscious choice to take the hard road and do the things that scare me and make me question what in the world God is doing because I know that the rewards of an obedient life far outweigh the alternative. I am not called to live a safe life, and I can't let these difficulties scare me away.

This brings to mind a scene from C.S. Lewis' "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." When the Beavers are explaining Aslan to the Pevensie children Susan inquires, "Is he safe?" Mr. Beaver laughs and retorts, "Safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

God is not calling me to be safe. He is calling me to take risks, be brave, and do hard things. I know I can trust Him to make this possible because He is GOOD.

Do you want to be a part of my unsafe life? Prayerfully consider becoming a monthly supporter or making a special one-time gift to help get my support account out of the red.