Perhaps the biggest disappointment right now is that I was counting on spending Christmas in America this year. For those of you who weren't aware, I sold my car back in August in anticipation of the sizeable German tax bill that I knew was coming. It was the responsible thing to do, knowing that my car was an unnecessary luxury and would easily cover my tax bill and then some. That "and then some" was supposed to be enough to buy a plane ticket home for Christmas after I paid my bill. The problem arose when my tax bill never arrived (which apparently is quite common - that they don't arrive for months) and I was left wondering how much the bill would actually be. Apparently it is also common for these bills to be surprisingly higher or lower than expected, so I truly had no idea how to plan. For weeks I wavered on what to do. Should I buy a plane ticket and just pray for a miracle when the tax bill comes? Do I play it safe and just stay in Germany? Do I stay in Germany and, for a fraction of the cost, travel to a new country for break? Finally I committed to staying in Europe and playing it safe. I brushed off the initial letdown, telling myself that I should be thankful for one last Christmas in Germany. But the honest truth is that the disappointment at not being home for the holidays has been gnawing away at me for weeks. It's really much more of a bummer than I have been willing to admit even to myself, not to mention my friends and family. I know my family is disappointed, too. They haven't seen me since August 2012, and they miss me as much as I miss them.
(Now there is actually one very exciting thing happening during Christmas break - as I mentioned in my newsletter last week I will be visiting another international school where I am considering teaching next year. I'm actually really looking forward to this trip, and I'll be officially revealing the destination here on the blog in a few days.)
So, I'm just very sad right now because of these disappointments. Even just writing that sentence makes me feel guilty, like I'm not content and can't see all the ways God has blessed me. That couldn't be further from the truth; I am overwhelmed by God's faithfulness and provision in my life. That doesn't mean I can't ever be sad - and honesty, it's myself I'm trying to convince of this, not you! I'm really just coming to grips with the fact that it's ok to simply be sad sometimes.
Sometimes these disappointments are just little dampers on my day that are easily forgotten with a friend and a few bites of German chocolate. Other times they devour me, knock me flat on my back, force me to make a change in my life. I'm working through Donald Miller's Storyline with my small group girls, and we've begun to talk about our "turns" - the events in our lives that change us, like doorways that we can never go back through. Some of our turns are positive, and some are negative, and Miller challenges us to find redemption in each of the negative turns. He believes that ultimately God is writing a role for each of us in His narrative to save many lives, and that the turns we go though are like character development, preparing us for the roles we will someday play. Along with my girls, I too am trying to figure out what my role is, and how God is using my turns to prepare me to save many lives.
What is the point in my disappointment?
Maybe I'll find answers soon, or maybe it will be a long time before I find out. Maybe I'll never figure it out. Either way, I appreciate your prayers as I work through these questions. I'd also appreciate prayers for a fulfilling and satisfying Christmas away from my family this year.
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