There. I said it.
I'm supposed to be excited about another adventure but right now all I can think about is how much work is going to need to happen in order for me to get to Madrid by August.
At first, I thought that going to Spain was taking the easy route. I'd just keep doing what I've been doing, teaching MKs in middle school and living in a country that's not my own. I would be able to keep working on support and not have to make things complicated tax-wise with American income. I would be close enough to Germany to return for my small group girls' graduation. It seemed like such a simple transition.
The reality of this situation is that I am making my life more complicated and this is, in fact, the harder path to take. First, I am adding another "home" to my heart. As someone who spent most of her life in the same town, I had a hard time identifying with the nomads who sat in my classroom conflicted about where they called home. After living in Germany for five year things have changed. Germany has become home for me, but I still have my HOME home in America. So when I go to the States and people say "Welcome home!" I become so turned around that I don't know whether to hug them or punch them in the face. Clearly that's not enough confusion for me as I will soon add Spain to my list of "homes" and be even more divided in my loyalties.
Another reason why this move is proving more difficult is because it will require me to continue living off the financial support of my friends and family. While at first this seemed ideal for long term ministry, it also makes things harder because let's face it, support raising is hard work and it's never over. Even when you get all the pledges and gifts you need to be fully funded, you have to maintain personal relationships with every single person who supports you. While I'd like to say otherwise, I have failed miserably at that aspect of the job. The discouraging lack of funding that I'm currently facing doesn't help matters, it just makes the idea of moving to America and getting a "real job" that much more tempting.
Finally, there's the paperwork. Don't even get me started on the paperwork. I have been working on my visa application since February and still don't have all the necessary documents in order for this application. It took over a month to get a letter of good health from my German doctor, and tonight I discovered that it will cost over $100 to translate two documents amounting to approximately four sentences into Spanish for this application. Then there's the trip I will have to make - probably by train - to the nearest Spanish consulate to apply in person and pay the hefty application fee and then face the very real possibility of my application being rejected because one staple is out of place.
I don't tell you all these things so that you can have pity on me, and please hear me: I am NOT complaining. I just need to put this into words: following Jesus is HARD WORK. No one ever said that the roads He calls us to walk will be easy, in fact He told us quite the opposite. We are to expect difficulty without being surprised, and we are called to face it with bravery rather than run away. If I believed that every bump on the road was some sort of warning sign from God then I would have left Germany within a week of arriving and never come back. I am making a conscious choice to take the hard road and do the things that scare me and make me question what in the world God is doing because I know that the rewards of an obedient life far outweigh the alternative. I am not called to live a safe life, and I can't let these difficulties scare me away.
This brings to mind a scene from C.S. Lewis' "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." When the Beavers are explaining Aslan to the Pevensie children Susan inquires, "Is he safe?" Mr. Beaver laughs and retorts, "Safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
God is not calling me to be safe. He is calling me to take risks, be brave, and do hard things. I know I can trust Him to make this possible because He is GOOD.
Do you want to be a part of my unsafe life? Prayerfully consider becoming a monthly supporter or making a special one-time gift to help get my support account out of the red.
Wow, very well put. So challenging. these are some of the things I've been thinking, too... Just because we face tough situations doesn't mean in the least that we are "out of His will" or that he's not blessing us. thanks for taking the time to write this. Love you, my Friend! =)
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