I have been keeping very close tabs on my support account over the last two months, watching and waiting for my miracle. I've seen God bring my support up from the depths of negative four-figure numbers, yet my account is still in the red by about $50. On paper, things still look hopeless because there is no money in the account for this month. After everything God has done to provide for me, by this standard it is still not enough.
"In real life," though, God has proven to be more than enough. He has provided graciously and miraculously in ways I would never have thought to ask. People who do not even know me have sent me generous gifts and friends of mine in the same boat--whose finances are just as tight--have cheerfully handed me offerings of love. New people have joined the monthly support team and regular supporters have gone above and beyond their monthly giving. I was able to find an incredibly affordable flight home for the summer and I have had renewed success in selling my handmade jewelry both on Etsy and here in the BFA community. When it's all said and done I have been able to pay my bills and eat three meals a day (and then some) and haven't yet had to promise my firstborn to Rumpelstiltskin. This month I have seen the hand of God at work more clearly and intentionally than ever before.
So I find myself in this confusing place of praising Him for the provision that has allowed me to thrive this month yet still frustrated over the lack of visible "results" in my support account. I would be lying if I said this was not causing me significant levels of stress. I can't NOT worry about how I'm going to pay the bills. But at the same time, I know it's going to work out. If I have learned anything over the last five years it is that God was, is, and will always be faithful. As the Hillsong ballad Oceans says, "You've never failed and You won't start now."
I've been meditating on the 23rd Psalm since wrapping up my Beth Moore study on the life of David. While I memorized this Psalm fifteen or twenty years ago, there are some parts of it that never really had significance until recently. The part that keeps coming back to me over and over again is at the very beginning, "I shall not want." As a child I thought this meant I would never want things, but we all know that's not true. There will always be things I want, but if I trust the Lord to be my Shepherd then I will not want for anything. My needs have been and will always be met.
So here's the bottom line. I am currently projected to receive $450 for June expenses, which equals about €325 with the current exchange rate. That just about covers my rent and nothing else - utilities, groceries, and other expenses this month such as my visa application fee for Madrid are currently out of the question. I am up to my eyeballs in final preparations for the eighth grade class trip that I am leading in four days, and June bills are due the day after I return. At the risk of sounding desperate, I have truly reached the end of my rope. I am out of ideas, time, and energy and I don't know what else I can do to remedy this situation.
Please join me in praying not only for financial provision, but for wisdom in knowing how to spend my time and energy in these next four days. Pray for my health and my attitude since I'm not getting the sleep I need to be fully effective. Pray also that when the bus rolls out of the parking lot on Monday morning I can be 100% present and focused on my students and our time together.
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